The Worst Hit Songs of 1976

 The Worst Hit Songs of 1976

Note: The qualification for a song to be on this list is that it had to be on the 1976 Year-End Billboard Hot 100, which is linked right here.

I've made it pretty clear on twitter that I'm currently going through every Billboard Year-End list from 1959 until now, and right now I am finished with 1976. Whether I will make worst lists for all of those years and make other blogposts reviewing music is still up in the air, but for now, I have decided to make a blog discussing the worst of 1976, so let's get to that.

A lot of people have said that 1976 was the best year for pop music in the 70s and as far as I can tell, they're right. I haven't fully gone through 1977-1979 yet (though I have listened to a lot of the songs from those years) but I doubt they'll be able to top this. 1976 had such an incredible variety of rock, soul, R&B, disco, and country. It's like every genre got a chance to shine. It's unbelievable how many classics this year had. And that's not even considering the music that didn't chart high or didn't chart at all. It was an amazing year and up there with 1967 as one of the best in billboard history.

Of course, every year has its duds, and 1976 strangely enough is probably tied with 1974 in having some of the most rancid songs of the entire 70s. It feels like the bad music this year was just as iconic and memorable as the good. Just as there were a lot of classics, there were a lot of really infamously bad songs too. And this list will be going over them so let's get to the worst songs 1976 had to offer.

#12: The Beach Boys- Rock and Roll Music

Man, what happened to the Beach Boys? What does it take for one of the best rock bands of the 60s to turn into this? Well, probably a combination of the main genius of the group suffering from mental illness and possible drug abuse, along with changing social trends pushing them out of popularity. The years following Brian Wilson's decline were not kind to the Beach Boys, and by the time the mid 70s had rolled around, they were churning out shit like this. Their big hit from 1976 was a cover of Chuck Berry's "Rock and Roll Music" and it sounds like a desperate attempt to recapture their former glory. It's a poorly produced, poorly mixed mess where Mike Love's weak vocals are weirdly prominent and every instrument just kind of blurs together into radio static in the background. None of the energy and bounciness of the Chuck Berry original is here and what we're left with is nothing. Coming from the band behind "God Only Knows", "Good Vibrations", and "Surf's Up", this is a major disappointment.

#11: Dr. Hook- Only Sixteen

I’m genuinely not sure if the original “Only Sixteen” by Sam Cooke was supposed to be a joke. From the way it’s written it certainly comes off like one, but I can totally buy that being accidental. Either way, it’s probably one of his weaker songs. So, obviously that means it’s prime material to be covered by far worse artists right? I should start this off by saying that I never liked Dr. Hook. Their main specialty was making semi novelty songs that weren’t funny. They’ve never been able to make a song that’s better than mediocre, and most of their discography is trash. Their cover of “Only Sixteen” is the worst song I’ve heard from them, entirely due to how tedious and boring it is. It just sounds so dead, and the lead singer of Dr. Hook, Dennis Locorriere, can not sing slow songs. His singing needs something with kick behind it, not this bland, coma-inducing snooze fest. And as for the part of the song I’m not sure was supposed to be a joke…

She was only sixteen, only sixteen (sixteen, sixteen) (whoo)
With eyes that would glow (whooo)

The beginning of the song goes on and on about how these two were too young to fall in love, but then, you get to the “punchline”.

Why did I give my heart so fast?

It never will happen again

But I was a mere lad of sixteen

I've aged a year since then

They were too young, and now he’s matured from his past mistakes. He’s a whole one year older now, at seventeen. Yeah, it reads like a joke, but I’m not sure if it was actually meant to be one, and I can’t find any confirmation anywhere of if it was intended to be funny. Whatever the case, I can tell the Dr. Hook cover misses the point of the original, even if I’m not sure of it myself. I may be an idiot, but either way this cover was a failure.

#10: Chicago- If You Leave Me Now

"If You Leave Me Now" isn't the worst Chicago song but it is the one that cemented them as one of the most infamous bands in history. It's the song that cemented them as a boring soft rock band that only made the sappiest, most clichéd love ballads imaginable. It's the song that cemented Peter Cetera as one of the worst vocalists of the 20th century. Even looking past what this song represents for Chicago, by itself it's still really bad. It's incredibly boring and the instrumentation makes it sound like a lullaby. A pretty bad lullaby too, because Peter Cetera has a horrible singing voice that just does not work for slow songs. His yelping falsetto is unbearable and makes it so not even elevators would want to play this (Yes I'm sure elevators do play this song). In retrospect it's kind of sad what happened to Chicago. They weren't the best band ever or anything but they did have dignity and a distinct style. I have no idea what made them throw that away but it'd be an interesting topic for a documentary.

#9: Silver Convention- Get Up and Boogie

Disco was in the process of entering its peak in 1976 and even by then there were already songs that felt like they were just lazily capitalizing on the trend. Enter German group the Silver Convention, who only had two hits in the U.S., both of them in 1976. "Get Up and Boogie" is definitely the worse of the two, mainly because it doesn't even sound like a real song. It sounds like an unfinished demo of a disco song that was released by accident. There's literally only six words in the song.

get up and boogie

Get up and boogie

(That's right) get up and boogie

You can get away with this if the music sounds good but it just doesn't here. The instrumentation sounds like if an AI program was asked to generate a disco song. There's no energy or kick to it, and the vocal performances all sound like they're desperately trying to get people to dance, which is a horrible tone for a dance song to have. If there was ever a miserable dance song that was sure to get everyone off the dance floor, then this is it. The music video for it is pretty funny though. The audience is just watching completely unenthused and bored during this group's performance. Can't say I blame them.

#8: John Travolta- Let Her In

John Travolta was everywhere in the 70s. He was in "Carrie", "Grease", "Saturday Night Fever", and the sitcom "Welcome Back, Kotter", whose theme song became a hit in 1976. Now, I'm not sure if this is a hot take, honestly it probably isn't at this point, but John Travolta can not sing. Even in "Grease" when he was paired with a much better singer in Olivia Newton-John and had better instrumentation to back him up, he couldn't sing. And nowhere is that more apparent than in "Let Her In", which is at least the second worst song he's ever been a part of. It's a bland, schmaltzy love ballad where Travolta sings about how he's going to let this woman into his life. Again, and I don't think I can reiterate this enough, John Travolta can not sing. He just can't. He sounds like a complete amateur, he can't carry a melody, he can't hit any notes, and he can't hold any notes. His singing here sounds like some random guy on karaoke night. To this day it baffles me that he was ever cast in a singing role.

#7: Barry Manilow- I Write the Songs

Despite what some of you might think, I don't actually hate Barry Manilow. As far as cheesy soft rock and adult contemporary artists go, he's fine, probably above most of the pack. The only song of his I can really say I despise is this one, "I Write the Songs". And the writing is a big reason why.

I write the songs that make the whole world sing
I write the songs of love and special things
I write the songs that make the young girls cry
I write the songs, I write the songs

You see, Barry Manilow writes the songs. He writes all the songs. He wrote every single song in existence. He wrote the very first song, and he'll be the one who writes the last song. If you've ever enjoyed a piece of music in your life, just thank Barry Manilow for allowing you to experience it. If it isn't clear enough already, this song is incredibly egotistical and infuriating. And Barry Manilow seemed to be aware of it too, even saying "The problem with the song was that if you didn't listen carefully to the lyric, you would think that the singer was singing about himself. It could be misinterpreted as a monumental ego trip." And what is the so-called "true" message of this song?

I am music and I write the songs

That's right, music writes the songs. The "I" in the song refers to music. That fixes everything, right? There's nothing egotistical about claiming to be the literal human embodiment of the entire concept of music, right? Even if you were to look past the extreme arrogance of Manilow here, "music writes the songs" by itself is some of the most shallow, pseudo-intellectual garbage ever written. It reminds me of something I would've written when I was 14 and trying to be deep. No, music doesn't write the songs, just like literature doesn't write the books and film doesn't make the movies. People write songs, not some omniscient force. It's such a stupid and honestly ignorant idea to base a song off of. And if you know anything about pop music, then it shouldn't come as a surprise that Barry Manilow did not write "I Write the Songs" (which I find funny). Instead, the actual writer was Bruce Johnston of the Beach Boys, and this is what he had to say about it.

Johnston has stated that, for him, the "I" in the song is God, and that songs come from the spirit of creativity in everyone.

So I guess this is technically a Christian contemporary song. And that's not all, but it's also a cover. The original was by the Captain & Tennille. This song just gets worse and worse the more you learn about it. Thank god Manilow never tried to brag about anything in his music after this.

#6: Larry Groce- Junk Food Junkie

There were three novelty songs that became big hits in 1976, and spoiler alert, they were all awful and are all on this list. First up is "Junk Food Junkie" by Larry Groce, a cheap and chintzy sounding country song about how Groce may only eat healthy food during the day, but eats a ton of junk food come night. That's it, that's the whole joke. There's nothing more to say about it. It's not just unfunny, it's barebones. Like seriously, that's the best joke they could come up with? Just a guy shoving junk food into his mouth at night? That's so weak. This particular song was recorded in front of a studio audience, and the end result is that it sounds like it has a laugh track played after every unfunny joke. Or maybe I'm the one who just doesn't get it. Either way, this song is trash.

#5: Captain & Tennille- Shop Around

The Captain & Tennille have pretty much become synonymous with bad 70s music and if there's anyone out there who would defend them, it's not me. I hate every single one of their songs and the fact that their horrible cover of the Miracles classic "Shop Around" isn't their worst song is a testament to how truly awful they were. This song is basically as bad as their hit from 1975, "Love Will Keep Us Together". The keys sounds incredibly ugly and unpleasant, as do the synths, and Toni Tennille has a horrible singing voice. She always sounds like she's drunkenly belting out every single lyric without a hint of subtlety. Everything combines to make this song an ugly sounding mess that completely misses the point of the Miracles original. Oh, and by the way, the husband of this duo, Daryl Dragon, was a keyboard player for the Beach Boys during the late 60s and early 70s. When he married Toni Tennille, the wife of the duo, he brought her along with him and she became another keyboard player during their tours. Once they left the Beach Boys, they were able to use that momentum to launch their own music careers, which is how the Captain & Tennille happened. Man, the Beach Boys really could not catch a break in the 70s. They have so much crap associated with them this decade.

#4: Rick Dees & His Cast of Idiots- Disco Duck

And now for the second round of bad novelty hits: "Disco Duck" by Rick Dees, one of the most infamous songs of the entire 70s. And for good reason too, it's painfully unfunny. The only joke this song has is a duck dancing to disco, that's it. It's barely even a joke and they made it the whole song. The writing is also either very bizarre or very undercooked.

All of a sudden I began to change

I was on the dance floor acting strange

Flapping my arms I began to cluck

Look at me, I'm the disco duck

Is this supposed to be a metaphor or is he literally transforming into a duck?

Try your luck, don't be a cluck

What does that mean? It's so obvious they just threw that line into the song because it rhymed. Of course, the only other line I can think of that could work is "don't be a cuck", which may have been too much for radio stations in the 70s. So yeah, the writing sucks and the joke of a disco dancing duck also sucks. But wait, that's not really the point of this song right? No, of course not, the real point of this song is getting to hear some guy do a terrible Donald Duck impression. They even have a guitar sounding like a quack being played all throughout the song. That's the real point, right? To just have funny noises that sound like ducks? Well, whether or not that was the point it was enough to make this song a huge hit for radio DJ Rick Dees. It ended up being his only hit after his follow up "Dis-Gorilla" was a flop. So while he never had another hit this song still forever has a place in our culture. I'm honestly not even really mad about it, just confused over how it happened.

#3: Henry Gross- Shannon

So in 1975, Henry Gross of Sha Na Na was friends with Carl Wilson (like I said, the Beach Boys had a lot of crap associated with them in the 70s), who had an Irish Settler named Shannon. When she died, Gross wrote "Shannon" in memory of her, and it became his only hit. And look, I've had a pet die before so I can understand the message and intent behind this song. It could've even been sweet if it wasn't so awful. "Shannon" has horribly sappy instrumentation along with one of the worst vocal performances of the entire 70s decade. Henry Gross has an insufferable falsetto that on the chorus literally sounds like a dogwhistle. How can that invoke any emotion aside from extreme annoyance? If anything good came out of this song, it's that it inspired a hilarious rant by Casey Kasem. Look it up when you have the chance.

#2: C.W. McCall- Convoy

Here it is, the worst novelty song of 1976, and one of the worst novelty songs of the entire 70s. While "Disco Duck" at least had backing instrumentation, even if it was bad, "Convoy" by C.W. McCall doesn't even have that. It's just this guy talk singing very monotonously in incomprehensible trucker slang. There's barely anything to back it up, except in the chorus where for some reason there's an overly cutesy choir that completely contrasts with the apparent "badass trucker" vibe the rest of the song is going for. It doesn't do the "badass trucker" thing well, of course, because first of all the lyrics being entirely trucker slang means I don't know what the hell is going on here.

Cab-over Pete with a reefer on

And a Jimmy haulin' hogs

What?

I says, "Pig Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck"

"And I'm about to put the hammer down"

Slow down, I can't understand anything a word you're saying.

Yeah, them smokies is thick as bugs on a bumper

They even had a bear in the air

What on Earth is that supposed to mean? Do truck drivers even use half of the slang in this song? From what little I can gather I think the truck drivers are running from the cops. Why? I have no idea. Why should I care about the truck drivers getting away from the cops? In making up some ridiculous scenario to make truck drivers look more cool, they inadvertently made them look less cool. Nothing against truck drivers, but it's hard to really see it as a "cool" job. And yeah, like pretty much every novelty song from the 50s, 60s, and 70s, it isn't funny. The only actual funny thing about this song is that the man behind it, C.W. McCall, is not even a real person. No, "C.W. McCall" was a character made up by commercial artist William Fries Jr. William created this character for bread commercials, and then later began releasing country albums as that character. So literally nothing about this song is real, which is just about the most fitting thing in the world.

Dishonorable Mentions

• Silver Convention- Fly, Robin, Fly
• Nazareth- Love Hurts
• Gary Wright- Dream Weaver
• Captain & Tennille- Lonely Night (Angel Face)
• Donna Summer- Love to Love You Baby
• Donny & Marie Osmond- Deep Purple
• Paul Anka- Times of Your Life
• Elton John- Island Girl
• Bee Gees- Fanny (Be Tender With My Love)
• Neil Sedaka- Breaking Up is Hard to Do (Slow Version)

And the worst hit song of 1976 is...

#1: Starland Vocal Band- Afternoon Delight

I mean, duh. What else could've possibly been at the top spot? This isn't just a bad song, it's a historically bad song. It's a song so bad and infamous that it's only remembered as a punchline. Countless movies and TV shows have used this song as a joke and that's because there is no other way to derive any kind of enjoyment from this. From a musical perspective, "Afternoon Delight" is a chintzy, hokey sounding folk rock song with a load of awkward sounding melodies that aren't pleasing to the ear. The whole thing is so cutesy that it circles right back around to being revolting and ugly to listen to. And then, of course, there's the writing, which is the biggest reason people make fun of this song. If you've been living under a rock, then "Afternoon Delight" is about sex, a subject material that clashes so harshly with the sound of the song that it's actually kind of funny. And yeah, like millions of people have said before, this song is not sexy. But honestly, I think I'd care about that less if it at least had something else to offer. For instance, "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails is a sex song, and does it sound sexy? No (I mean maybe it does if you're into BDSM), but what it does have is a harsh industrial sound that works. "Afternoon Delight" has nothing like that. No one wants to think about sex when hearing badly made folk rock, and even the title "Afternoon Delight" is such a lame way to describe sex that it's an immediate turn off. A lot of these lyrics make sex seem like the most unappealing thing in the world.

Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight

...Ew

I always though a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite
But you've got some bait a waitin' and I think I might try nibbling

That's probably one of the worst metaphors I've ever heard in a pop song.

Sky rockets in flight

I don't even know what they were trying to go for here, and it's said three times in the song.

Even just the concept of having sex in the afternoon is already kind of dead on arrival because the afternoon is probably the worst and least sexy time to have sex. And this song is so smug about that concept that it's frustrating. "Afternoon Delight" does basically everything wrong, both as a sex song and a song in general. It was the only hit for Starland Vocal Band and it's easy to see why no one was interested in hearing more from these guys after it. It's one of the worst songs of the 70s decade and it's more than earned its spot as the worst hit song of 1976.

And those were the worst hit songs of 1976. Tune in next time where I'll, uh, maybe do 1977? I don't know. Until then, have a good one.