The Worst Hit Songs of 1959

 The Worst Hit Songs of 1959

Note: The qualification for a song to be on this list is that it had to be on the 1959 Year-End Billboard Hot 100, which is linked right here

1959 was the first full year of the Billboard Hot 100 magazine, which officially started the previous year in August 1958. 1959 also has the first full Year-End Top 100 under the magazine. After listening to the list a few times, I have to say, 1959 was horrible. In fact, I can tell you the Year-End lists for 1959-1962 are all pretty dreadful. The late 50s and early 60s were not a good time for music. There may have been some good jazz albums being released at this time, but for popular music, it was a complete dead zone. The most noteworthy thing in music that happened this year was probably the plane crash that occurred on February 3, 1959, which claimed the lives of Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and J.P. Richardson ("The Big Bopper"), coined "The Day the Music Died". The fact that such a horrible tragedy is what is most remembered this year in music is not a good sign.

The main trends in 1959 were doo-wop, early rock and rockabilly, chintzy novelty records, songs with jazz influences, and a good amount of full on instrumental tracks. And in this list, we'll be going through the worst of it so let's get on with the worst hit songs of 1959.

#12: The Chipmunks- Alvin's Harmonica

Alvin and the Chipmunks is a bad franchise. Even at its conception it was bad. The entire gimmick of the franchise, a guy pitching up his vocals on a song, gets annoying after about five seconds. It loses its novelty very quickly. But since we live in the bad timeline, Alvin and the Chipmunks went on to become a very successful franchise that's still going on to this day, complete with a ton of albums and bad covers of pop songs, their own cartoon in the 60s, their own cartoon in the 80s, an animated film in 1987, and four live action films in the 2000s and 2010s. These guys just don't know when to die. I haven't talked about The Chipmunks song "Alvin's Harmonica" much here because there really isn't much to talk about. The pitched up vocals are annoying and are not enough to sustain a full two and a half minute song. They're not funny, and that's the big problem with this "comedy" song, it isn't funny. Alvin annoying Dave with a harmonica isn't funny, and it's the only joke this song has. Since the instrumentation has very little substance, it's clear they were really banking on the Chipmunks just being funny automatically. Outside of that, this song has nothing to offer, which goes for the Alvin and the Chipmunks franchise as a whole as well.

#11: The Fleetwoods- Come Softly to Me

This song was actually considered very suggestive back in the 50s. The original title of it, "Come Softly", even had to be changed to "Come Softly to Me" because it was thought to be too suggestive. How times have changed. Regardless of how suggestive it might have been back then, it's still a very bad song. It's boring, lightweight on substance, and has some very irritating acapella vocals. And I know, the song is supposed to be minimalist, that's the point. There are a ton of songs out there that are minimalist, with very light backing instrumentation, and that's not inherently a bad thing. But in the case of "Come Softly to Me" by The Fleetwoods, the melody is bad, the annoying whispering vocals are bad, and it's not doing anything unique or interesting with what it has, while also being very repetitive. So what we're left with is a forgettable, barebones song and another sex song that isn't sexy. Acapella vocals don't set a good mood for sex, just want to say.

#10: The Browns- The Three Bells

And we're not done with the boring stuff. This miserable sounding, droning piece of nothing is called "The Three Bells" by The Browns. It's a song I have very little to say about aside from just how it's boring, tedious, and feels like drags on despite not even being three minutes long. Well, I can say that the writing isn't very good. This song is all about the life of a man named Jimmy Brown. He was born, got married, then died, just like the billions of other people in this world, what makes him so special? Really not a great way to describe someone's life, if you ask me.

#9: The Chipmunks- The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)

"The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" was what started the Alvin and the Chipmunks franchise, and even this early on the joke was already worn out. High pitched chipmunk voices just aren't funny, especially not in two and a half minute intervals, and that's the only joke this song has. Outside of that, it's a pretty bland and bad Christmas song. Ross Bagdasarian, or David Seville as his stage name goes, is not a very good musician, and so both of the Chipmunk songs don't just sound cheap and bad, they also sound similar. It's like he had already run out of musical ideas. Maybe I'd be more forgiving to the Chipmunks songs if they were just some weird, bad novelty songs that weren't relevant outside the 50s, but from the continuing success of the Alvin and the Chipmunks franchise it's clear we aren't allowed to have nice things.

#8: Wink Martindale- The Deck of Cards

"The Deck of Cards" is an old country song that first became a hit in 1948 when it was sung by T. Texas Tyler. Its origins can be traced all the way back to 1762, in a commonplace book by a British woman named Mary Bacon. I got all this from the Wikipedia page by the way I hope Hbomberguy doesn't mind. Personally, I don't care where this song came from because every version of it is awful. The version that became a hit in 1959 was by game show host Wink Martindale, and it has all the same problems as the other versions. "The Deck of Cards" is a boring, tedious song done entirely in spoken words about a soldier who gets caught with cards in church, and is brought to a Marshall for explanation. From there the narrator talks about how the cards remind him of God and the Bible, and his explanations read like some high schooler's bullshit English class essay. The song has very light backing instrumentation and its writing offers nothing aside from how Christianity is the greatest religion ever. I don't hate all Christian music, but boring, preachy, and pretentious Christian music like this I can not stand.

#7: Jan & Dean- Baby Talk

"Baby Talk" by Jan and Dean is about a 5 year old boy in love with a 3 year old girl, and as such the song is filled with annoying imitations of baby noises. Seriously, half the song is just this:

Bom ba ba bom bab um dab um dab um wah wah wah
Bom ba ba bom bab um dab um dab um wah wah wah
Bom ba ba bom um dab um dab um dab um dab

I don't know if this was supposed to be funny and I don't care. It's a shallow joke that gets old very quickly. This song is especially frustrating because it feels like there could be something good buried beneath it. Not from a lyrical standpoint of course, on that note it's pretty much dead on arrival, but the melody and harmonizations do make it sound like a proto-Beach Boys song. Shame that had to be wasted on this trash.

#6: Bobby Rydell- Kissin' Time

People really liked complaining about boy bands back in the early 2010s, but, for however bad those bands might have been, the teen idols of the 50s and 60s were far worse, mainly because the songs these guys sang had a tendency to have some very creepy lyrics. For instance, just look at the chorus of Bobby Rydell's 1959 hit "Kissin' Time".

Oh, baby 'cause summertime is kissin' time USA
So treat me right, a-don't-a make-a me fight
The Battle of New Orleans tonight

"Don't make me fight" is an even worse phrase than "don't say no", for the record. With "don't make me fight" it's made explicitly clear that the narrator of this song doesn't care at all if this girl says no, he will fight against her boundaries anyway, happily so and with no hesitation. And considering that this line is in the chorus, it's pretty hard to ignore. But even if you do manage to ignore it, the writing of the song is still pretty bad. A guy sees a bunch of people kissing each other and so declares summer "kissing time". He then immediately decides that he better start kissing people, even if it means intense sexual harassment. What a stupid, creepy song.

#5: Paul Anka- Lonely Boy

And speaking of teen idols, here's Paul Anka. These days it seems Paul Anka is most known for two things: writing Frank Sinatra's "My Way" and being the man behind "(You're) Having My Baby", one of the most infamously bad songs of all time. But before all of that, he was a teen idol, and a very bad one. Now, his 1959 hit "Lonely Boy" is obviously not worse than "(You're) Having My Baby", I'm not sure any song is. But it's still very bad. It's a whiny, annoying song where Paul Anka complains about being lonely and not having a girlfriend in an incredibly overdramatic fashion. He has no charisma here, he comes off like an entitled, spoiled child. His vocals sound very annoying and whiny, and somehow so does the instrumentation. Listening to this song is a chore and it really feels like watching a kid cry about not getting a toy they want. If I have any word of advice to this narrator, it's that, if you want a girlfriend, work on getting yourself in order first.

#4: Frankie Avalon- Venus

And here's another teen idol, the third one in a row. Frankie Avalon. I don't know how many times I can say "this person's music was bad" before it gets repetitive, and unfortunately in Frankie Avalon's case, there's not much unique I can say about him. He was just another bad teen idol, completely interchangeable with the thousand other ones at this time. His hit song "Venus" is what I'd like to call "sickeningly sweet". The constant soft female backing vocals combined with the cheesy sounding guitar strings being strummed after every measure make for an insufferable combination. And, as usual with these types of songs, the lyrics are awful.

Venus, if you will
Please, send a little girl for me to thrill

Why did that line need to exist? Why was it written? The song itself is about the narrator asking the Roman goddess of love Venus to "send" him some girl with all the traits he wants. I don't think the kind of guy to do this is one you should really trust, especially when he calls this girl a "little girl". This whole song reeks of pedophilia, and during this time, when implicit pedophilia wasn't enough, then explicit pedophilia was there to fill the rest of the void, leading us right to...

#3: The Crests- 16 Candles

There are, unfortunately, a ton of songs in the 50s and 60s that involve adult men being in love with underage girls. It's such a common trend that I'm going to use the term "jailbait song" to refer to them. 1959's big jailbait song was "16 Candles" by The Crests. And this song really wants you to know that it's about a man in love with a 16 year old, the writing really hammers it in.

You're only sixteen (sixteen)
But you're my teenage queen (oh, my queen)
You're the prettiest, loveliest girl
I've ever seen (I've ever seen)

What the hell. I can't even focus on the admittedly okay vocals and sound of the song. All I can think of when listening to it is that it's about an adult man in love with a teenage girl. And that makes it just feel gross. I don't like having to think about it, which goes for all the jailbait songs of this time.

#2: Edd Byrnes, Connie Stevens- Kookie, Kookie (Lend Me Your Comb)

Out of all the songs on this list, "Kookie, Kookie (Lend Me Your Comb)" by Edd Byrnes and Connie Stevens is the one that's aged the worst, which is saying a lot. This whole song is a duet where Edd Byrnes talks in incomprehensible 50s slang while Connie Stevens keeps telling him to give her his comb so he can kiss her. Writing a song entirely in slang is a horrible idea, given how badly it will date the song. I mean, just look at this shit:

CONNIE: Kookie, Kookie, lend me your comb. Kookie, Kookie?
EDD: Well now, let's take it from the top and grab some wheels
And on the way we'll talk about some cuckoo deals
CONNIE: But Kookie, Kookie, lend me your comb. Kookie, Kookie?

Listening to this song today I can't help but get a feeling of second-hand embarrassment. I feel the same anytime I hear outdated slang. And much like almost every other novelty song of the 50s and 60s, this isn't funny. It sounds cheap and the joke is very shallow. This could have easily been #1 in most years but for 1959, I managed to find one song that was even worse.

Dishonorable Mentions

• Wilbert Harrison- Kansas City
• The Fleetwoods- Mr. Blue
• Paul Anka- Put Your Head on My Shoulder
• Dodie Stevens- Pink Shoe Laces
• Sammy Turner- Lavender's Blue
• Thomas Wayne- Tragedy
• The Skyliners- Since I Don't Have You
• Frankie Avalon- Bobby Sox to Stockings
• Annette Funicello- Tall Paul
• Skip & Flip- It Was I

And the worst hit song of 1959 is...

#1: Paul Evans- Seven Little Girls Sitting in the Back Seat

If you haven't already noticed, a pretty disturbing societal trend in the 50s and 60s involved adult men calling adult women "little girls". The influence of this trend can be seen littered all throughout the popular music of this time and "Seven Little Girls Sitting in the Back Seat" by Paul Evans is one of the most egregious examples of it. This song sees the narrator driving a car with seven "little girls" in the back seat, all kissing a guy named Fred. The narrator wants to get kissed as well, but every time he asks, the girls tell him to focus on driving and that they want to keep kissing Fred. This sounds like a cheap nursery rhyme and the fact that this song is trying to make the women talking sound like a children's choir doesn't help the pedophilic vibes it gives off. This was #100 on the 1959 Year-End Top 100, and it's one of those songs which, if it hadn't made the year-end, probably would've been forgotten about completely. It was almost entirely irrelevant, but unfortunately people bought this record enough times for it to barely make the list. How delightful. This is one of the worst songs of the 50s period and the kind of thing the 60s needed to desperately move away from. It has more than earned its spot as the worst hit song of 1959.

And those were the worst songs of 1959. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I might do another one of these lists but of which year I don't know. Have a good day and good bye.