The Worst Hit Songs of 1958

The Worst Hit Songs of 1958

1959 was the first year to have a full Year-End Top 100 under the Billboard Hot 100 magazine, but it's not the first year to have a list like it. The Billboard Hot 100 still started in 1958, and the Billboard magazine did release a Top 50 most successful songs of 1958 list at the end of that year, linked here. It may only be 50 songs, however, there does exist a full 100 song Year End list for 1958. But I do warn that it's incredibly debatable how "official" this list is. I'm not sure if the Billboard magazine posted this list at one point or if people actually went back and calculated what the full Top 100 would be, but either way, I'm going to use it. Since it's a little hard to find, I did post screenshots of what the 1958 Year-End Top 100 would be at the end of this blogpost, sources linked, for convenience's sake. It may not be entirely accurate, but it's the best I have to go off of.

I've been record on saying that the Year-End lists for 1959-1962 were all pretty dreadful, as that was a pretty horrible time for popular music. And I'm tempted to say 1958 shouldn't be included because of all the classic rock staples that went big this year. 1958 was a great and a very important year for rock and roll. However, overall it was still a pretty bad year for the Hot 100, and around the same level as 1959-1962. The 1950s in general have a ton of cheap sounding and poorly aged crap, which was absolutely abundant in 1958. There were way too many crappy novelty songs this year, as well as other chintzy sounding crap. It wasn't all bad, there were some pretty decent jazz inspired tracks here, but it's sandwiched between a lot of mediocrity and garbage. So without further ado, let's look at the worst 1958 had to offer.

#12: J.P. Richardson "The Big Bopper"- Chantilly Lace

J.P. Richardson or "The Big Bopper" was one of the three artists who died in the plane crash of February 3, 1959, "The Day The Music Died". It was a very tragic event, and all three artists died far too young. Honestly, putting this song on the list feels a little insensitive, even though it really shouldn't. But I'm sorry, this is bad. As a musician J.P. Richardson wasn't even close to the same level as Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens, and his 1958 hit "Chantilly Lace" is a good showcase of why. In this song, Richardson spends all of the verses talk singing one side of a phone conversation with his girlfriend (in the song, not in real life), with basic instrumentation consisting of very repetitive piano, horn, and guitar lines. The chorus where he actually does sing is really weak and sounds phoned in. Lyrically, this is another one of those songs where the narrator describes their ideal woman, and in this case I can not connect with it. Richardson likes women who wear chantilly lace and that's about it. This might as well be a novelty song, and hell, maybe it is. And if so, it's not even close to funny. Not the first time we'll be seeing that on this list. Again, I'm sorry to say, but this song sucks.

#11: The Chordettes- Lollipop

The one positive thing I will say about "Lollipop" by the Chordettes is that it is catchy. It's very catchy, which should be a good thing as it's a pop song and pop songs are supposed to be catchy. Unfortunately, it's also mindless and incessantly annoying. It's the worst kind of catchy pop song. Just look at this chorus:

Lollipop, lollipopOh, lolli, lolli, lolliLollipop, lollipopOh, lolli, lolli, lolliLollipop, lollipopOh, lolli, lolli, lolliLollipop (pop)

This song is only two minutes long and half of it is just that repeated over and over again. It's so thoughtless and mind numbing, and it's not like the rest of the song is any better. The few verses that are here sound basically the same as the chorus, and the way the singers harmonize with each other is really annoying and makes the chorus incredibly hard to sit through. I think what I hate most about this song is the mouth pop that plays after every chorus. It gets under my skin every time I hear it. What is "lollipop" even referring to here? Well, looking at the lyrics reveals the song is about as explicit as you can get on mainstream radio stations in the 1950s. In other words the song is about sex, and "lollipop" is the narrator's boyfriend. I don't think comparing somebody to cheap, mass produced candy is a very good compliment. I blame this song for starting the awful trend of using candy to make a sex metaphor, which has given us crap like "Lollipop" by Lil Wayne and "Laffy Taffy" by D4L. I hate this song and I also hate how much it has stuck around in the cultural zeitgeist. Surely it doesn't deserve to be played in as many movies as it does, right?

#10: Laurie London- He's Got the Whole World in His Hands

This is another repetitive song, but this time it's arguable there's a much more valid reason for it. It's a rendition of a spiritual, a song sung by black people during slavery with Christian theming. The original had repetitive lyrics, so this one does too. Surely that means it's okay right? No, it doesn't. Laurie London's version of "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" turns the old spiritual into a cheesy children's song about God. You could argue there is a place for that stuff, and you'd be right. But that place is not the radio stations. There's no reason to go out and listen to this on your own time because it's awful to listen to, especially with how subpar and amateur Laurie London is as a singer. Actually, he just sucks and can't sing. In terms of child stars (he was only 13 when he recorded this), he's another awful one. Was he really the best kid they could find? He makes this song come off as preachy, which is the best point against it I think I can make.

#9: Silhouettes- Get A Job

"Get A Job" by the Silhouettes is one of those songs I can't find a single thing to like about. It has tedious instrumentation that I'm already sick of hearing by the five second mark, and it sounds deliberately padded out. It's only like two and a half minutes long, which is pretty standard for the 1950s, but it still manages to feel like it drags. Probably because half the song is just this:

Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na, ahh-doSha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na, ahh-doSha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na, ahh-doSha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-naAhh, yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yipMum-mum-mum-mum-mum-mum, get a jobSha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na

It's not just annoying, it's tiring, and that's the best way to describe this song. It sounds like it's bored of itself. At the very least the singers sound bored and uninterested. And I can not connect with the writing here. This song is about a guy who can't find a job, and has a girlfriend who's constantly nagging him about getting a job. It's framed so badly that half the time it sounds like the guy is annoyed by the fact his girlfriend wants him to get a job at all. Is it trying to be funny? I don't know, either way it's miserable to listen to. If you want to make a song about the hardships of finding employment, steer clear of what this did.

#8: Elvis Presley- Hard Headed Woman

I don't hate Elvis. I acknowledge he's controversial due to being accused of stealing from black artists, which is something I'm pretty mixed on. I suppose that's a dishonest way to frame it. Specifically he's accused of being given disproportionate attention and fame at the time compared to many black rock and roll artists, which I think is pretty fair. Regardless, the placement of "Hard Headed Woman" on this list has nothing to do with that, but rather everything to do with its writing. Musically it sounds fine, albeit nothing special, but the lyrics...

Well, a hard headed woman

A soft hearted man
Been the cause of trouble
Ever since the world began

Oh yeah (oh yeah)

Ever since the world began

A hard headed woman

Been a thorn in the side of man

This sounds like a boomer tier "I hate my wife" joke extended for nearly two minutes. The whole point of the song is just "haven't women always been causing problems for men", which is pretty emblematic of the casual sexism of the 1950s. And the only examples the song uses to show this are references to bible characters. Also at the end the narrator throws in a mention of his own girlfriend, saying she has a "head like a rock" and that he'd cry if she ever went away. After complaining about "hard headed" women the entire song, saying they've always been a problem, and then saying your girlfriend has a "head like a rock", I don't think you should be trusted. Honestly the narrator's girlfriend would be right to leave him. And this was the first rock and roll single to earn the title of "Gold Record" by the RIAA? What a joke. Speaking of Elvis...

#7: Elvis Presley- Don't

Much like with "Hard Headed Woman", there isn't anything wrong with "Don't", musically speaking. The problem lies with the writing.

Don't (Don't) Don't (Don't)That's what you sayEach time that I hold you this wayWhen I feel like this and I want to kiss youBaby, don't say don't

Don't (Don’t), don't (Don’t) leave my embrace
For here in my arms is your place
When the night grows cold, and I want to hold you
Baby, don't say don't
Don't, don't, don't

You can all see the problem with this sentiment, right? The entire song is about how this woman doesn't want the narrator to hold or kiss her, and the narrator ignoring her and doing it anyway. The song even goes out of its way to say that yes, this has happened before, multiple times in fact, and no, the narrator doesn't care. It feels gross, particularly with how the song is named after this sentiment. It makes for an uncomfortable listen. It's especially bad coming from Elvis, who married Priscilla Beaulieu, a woman he met when he was 24 and she was 14. Look, Elvis has some classics under his belt, but "Don't" and "Hard Headed Woman" are not classics, and are best left forgotten.

#6: Bobby Darin- Splish Splash

I mentioned at the beginning of this post that 1958 had way too many crappy novelty songs, and spoiler warning, we're about to see a bunch of them in a row here. First up is "Splish Splash" by Bobby Darin, a song about a guy taking a bath, then getting out to see a party going on in the house. Now, if I wanted be like Cinema Sins, I'd ask things like "Oh well how did he not know there was a party going on in his house?" "Whose house is he at?" "How did the people get into his house and throw a party while he was in the bathtub?" "Did he go to someone else's house and take a bath there?" "How did he not know there was a party going on in that house?" But I'd be wasting my time (even if I already wasted time typing all those questions), because the main point against the song is that it's just not funny. And if a comedy song isn't funny, it's pretty much failed, especially in a case like this where musically it sounds very chintzy and cheap. Evidently a song about dancing in the bathtub isn't enough to fill even two minutes. Bobby Darin is best when he does big band jazz orchestra type songs. Inane novelty crap like this is something every artist should avoid.

#5: Sheb Wooley- The Purple People Eater

Next up on this round of awful comedy songs is "The Purple People Eater" by Sheb Wooley. A song about the titular "Purple People Eater" coming down to Earth to become a rock and roll singer. I feel like a broken record here, but this song is not funny. It sounds cheap and bad, and I do not find the chipmunk voice used to represent the "Purple People Eater" to be charming, it's just annoying. I also have to point out how often these awful novelty songs reference each other, as this song contains two references to "Short Shorts". I love being reminded of other bad songs while I listen to this bad song. It even contains a reference to "Tequila" at the end. It feels so random and forced. Usually I'd say a song like this is really only appealing to very young children, but since a bunch of adults at the time bought this I guess I'm the one who doesn't get it. Seriously, what was going on with comedy in the 1950s?

#4: David Seville- Witch Doctor

And we're still not done with the novelty songs. Here's Ross Bagdasarian, going by the stage name "David Seville", with "Witch Doctor". A song with very questionable racial politics (that single cover art isn't doing it any favors) where the narrator asks a witch doctor what to do to convince the woman he loves to love him back. And in response, the witch doctor says a bunch of nonsense words that sound like baby babbling.

Ooh eeh, ooh aah aahTing tang walla walla bing bangOoh eeh, ooh aah aahTing tang walla walla bang bang

That above sequence takes up like half the song by the way, and it's all done in a chipmunk voice which I'm sure was moderately impressive in 1958, but is just extremely annoying today. And again, it's not funny, it sounds cheap and awful, it's mind numbingly repetitive, and it's aged very poorly. You can also thank this song for the creation of Alvin and the Chipmunks, as in November of 1958 Bagdasarian would expand on the "Chipmunk voice" idea by creating three chipmunk characters to go along with it. He'd release "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" and the franchise would forever be inflicted on the masses. All the more reason to hate this song.

#3: Frankie Avalon- Dede Dinah / Ginger Bread

I'm putting these songs together because they both have the exact same gimmick, that being Frankie Avalon singing in the most nasal voice imaginable. It's an awful gimmick that makes both "Dede Dinah" and "Ginger Bread" insufferable to sit through. Thankfully Frankie Avalon didn't continue this gimmick past these songs (even if his music still continued to suck), so he at least learned from his mistakes. But these songs are still mistakes, and are probably the worst things I've heard from him. And even though neither of these songs have much to distinguish them from one another, and might as well be the same song, there is one line I have to point out from "Ginger Bread":

My heart beats crazy every time I'm with youBut you're momma says you're much too young to date

Why did they have to throw that line in there? Granted Frankie Avalon was 18 when this song was released, so it doesn't come off quite as badly as it usually would in a 50s song, but the person who wrote this song was in his 20s! It's creepy. Why are so many 50s and 60s songs like this? It's one of the worst things about going back to the music of those decades.

#2: Royal Teens- Short Shorts

And here it finally is, the worst novelty song of 1958. It had some competition, but ultimately, none of the other songs could ever outdo this one. With other comedy songs you at least get the sense that the songwriters were trying to make a joke, even if it failed. But with this song, they didn't even try, and you can tell by the lyrics:

Who wears short shorts?We wear short shortsThey're such short shortsWe like short shorts

That is it. Those are the only lyrics in this song. Just that repeated for two minutes over barebones rock instrumentation. It's so mindless and inane it drives me insane. Now, it's kind of hard to find this information, but as far as I can tell at least a significant portion of the Royal Teens were actual teenagers when this song was released, which kind of shocked me considering how much this song sounds like adults trying and failing to be "hip" with the kids. If there's one advantage 2020s music has over 1950s music, apart from the lesser amount of pedophilia, it's that you don't often hear those kinds of songs anymore. Slang and youth culture these days has seemingly imploded and become a parody of itself, where part of the point is how stupid and baffling it is (where did you think the word "brainrot" came from). To not turn this into a rant about intergenerational culture, let's get to the one song this year that was even worse than this.

Dishonorable Mentions

McGuire Sisters- Sugartime
Pat Boone- April Love / It's Too Soon to Know / Sugar Moon
The Four Preps- 26 Miles
Playmates- Beep Beep
Bobby Darin- Queen of the Hop
Paul Anka- You Are My Destiny
Kathy Linden- Billy
Jan & Arnie- Jennie Lee
Frankie Avalon- I'll Wait for You

And the worst hit song of 1958 is...

#1: Pat Boone- A Wonderful Time Up There

Pat Boone had four major hits in 1958, and they're all bad. But the question of which one was the worst wasn't even a contest, it had to be "A Wonderful Time Up There". For those who don't know, Pat Boone was an artist in the 50s who got popular doing whitewashed covers of black songs, and doing them awfully. He's everything Elvis haters say Elvis was three times over. He had no charisma, and had a deep, unpleasant baritone singing voice that made every song of his a chore to sit through. Musically, "A Wonderful Time Up There" is a piss poor attempt at an upbeat "boogie" type song. It sounds so fake and Pat Boone's singing just does not fit. And then there's the writing. Pat Boone, being a Christian conservative, would often sing songs to reflect his views, and he's at his absolute worst with it here.

Well, now, everybody's gonna have religion and gloryEverybody's gonna be a-singin' that storyEverybody's gonna have a wonderful time up thereOh, glory hallelujahBrother, there's a reckonin' a-comin' in the mornin'Better get ready 'cause I'm givin' you the warnin'Everybody's gonna have a wonderful time up there

Now listen, everybody 'cause I'm talkin' to youThe Lord is the only one to carry you throughYa better get ready 'cause I'm tellin' ya whyThe Lord is a-comin' from his throne on highGoin' down the valley, goin' one by oneWe're gonna be rewarded for the things we've doneHow ya gonna feel about the things you'll say on that judgment day?

Now ya get your Holy Bible in the back of the bookThe book of Revelations is the place ya lookIf you understand it and you can if you tryThe Lord is a-comin' from his throne on higha-readin' in the Bible 'bout the things he saidHe said he's comin' back again to raise the deadAre ya gonna be among the chosen few?Or will you make it through?

This is the worst kind of Christian song. Not only is it preachy, but the sentiment here is one that really bothers me. "The reckoning is upon us, and God is about judge each and every one of us. AND YOU BETTER BE TERRIFIED BECAUSE IF GOD DOESN'T LIKE YOU YOU'LL BURN IN HELL AND SUFFER FOREVER! DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU! btw us good people will have a wonderful time in heaven, but only a chosen few of us can go there." How is that supposed to give people a good impression of Christianity? It makes you sound like a complete religious nutcase constantly going around talking about God's wrath. "God loves every one of you and only wants the best, but he'll also torture you if you're bad." This is why I can't connect with most Christian music. And that's not even mentioning the jarring disconnect between the writing and the music. Congratulations to "A Wonderful Time Up There" for being the worst hit song of 1958.

And that was my worst list for 1958. Maybe I'll do 1957 someday? It also has a Year-End Top 100 list out there, so it's a possibility. But for now, have a nice day and I'll see you all in my next blog.

1958 Year End Top 100: