Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1956

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1956

1956 was the first year to have a full official Year-End Top 100 posted by the Billboard magazine. There do exist lists for years before this, but no official ones go up to 100. Now, I'd be very interested to know what the Year-End Top 100's would've been for 1950-1955, using Billboard's methodology at that time. If anyone knows if a list like this has been done, please link in the comments. I'm not sure if I'd do worst lists for those years, but I would like a chance to go through the entire 50s.

As for 1956 specifically, I don't know how many times I can say 50s pop music has not held up well before I sound like a broken record. This was yet another bad and boring year for the Hot 100. The main trends here are rockabilly, doo wop, and pre-rock and roll pop, as that genre hadn't died out yet. A lot of it was forgettable and sounded the same. And now, let's go through the worst that pop music in 1956 had to offer.

#10: The Four Lads- No, Not Much

Starting off the list we have No, Not Much by the Four Lads, a song that annoyed me the more times I heard it. It's a traditional pop song but the instrumentation is too slow and weak to work. Combine this with the droning vocals where the singers drag out every syllable for as long as possible, and this becomes a very tedious song to get through. The worst part of this song is the writing. The phrase "no, not much" is used to mean the narrator doesn't really like being around his girlfriend but would still probably not like it if they broke up. Seriously.

You don't please me when you squeeze me, no, not much
My heads the lightest from your very slightest touch
Baby, if you ever go, could I take it maybe so
Oh, but would I like it, no, not much

It's played completely straight. There's no semblance of satire anywhere in here. It's just about a guy in a miserable relationship where he can only barely tolerate his girlfriend. Am I supposed to sympathize with him? He sounds like an asshole. These two probably should break up because they clearly aren't happy together.

Like a ten cent soda doesn't cost a dime
I don't want you near me only all the time

What the fuck does that even mean? What's the metaphor supposed to be here? It sounds like the songwriter had a stroke. An ugly, miserable song all around.

#9: Teresa Brewer- A Sweet Old Fashioned Girl

You'd think a song about being an old fashioned girl in this new crazy era of rock and roll would sound old fashioned, but no, A Sweet Old Fashioned Girl by Teresa Brewer is this bizarre mash-up of genres that does not work at all. The instrumentation isn't rough enough to be rock but it's too forceful to be a traditional pop song. It's in this middle area that doesn't satisfy anyone. But the instrumentation is a minor problem when compared to Teresa Brewer's vocals. On the verses she tries to sing softly and pretty but it sounds forced. Then on the chorus she suddenly switches to a rough style that also sounds forced. That's the best way to describe the whole song, it's forced. None of it sounds authentic. Also, you hear this...

Scoobley-doo-bee-doo
be-doo-be-doo-be-doo-be-doo

...at the end of every line in the verses and it gets old fast. If this song was an attempt to bridge generational divides, it was an embarrassing failure.

#8: Eddie Fisher- Dungaree Doll

There were tons of "I love my girlfriend" songs on the 1956 YE, and one of the ones that really annoyed me was Dungaree Doll by Eddie Fisher. The instrumentation sounds hokey with the shitty horns and jerky, obnoxious guitar strings. Eddie Fisher's vocals also aren't that great here, but what annoyed me the most was the writing. First off, "Dungaree Doll" is already kind of an awkward phrase that doesn't really work for a pop song, and it's certainly a weird thing to call your girlfriend. "Dungaree" in particular is one of the worst sounding words you could repeat over and over again.

Dungaree, Dungaree, Dungaree, Dungaree, Dungaree, Dungaree, Doll

The above sentence is sung three times in the song. Beyond that, the ways the narrator wants his girlfriend to express her love are pretty stupid.

Dungaree doll, dungaree doll, paint your initials on my jeans
So everyone in town will know we go around together, together, together

Yeah it's all fun and games until you break up and you're stuck with your ex's initials on your pants.

Dungaree doll, dungaree doll, paste my picture on your sleeve
So everyone can see that you belong to me, forever, forever, forever

Who the hell attaches a photograph of their partner to their shirt?

I want you to wear my orange sweater
The beat up sweater with the high school letter

You are a grown man it's well past time to stop wearing your worn out varsity sports sweater from high school. You certainly shouldn't be asking your girlfriend to wear it. I wouldn't find something like that charming, just sad.

Gonna make a chain of paperclips

And chain us together while I kiss your lips

Yeah, Eddie Fisher does not have nearly enough charisma for me to accept this kind of mild creepiness. Also, "chain of paperclips"? Just let this song rot like that old high school sports sweater.

#7: Perry Como- Hot Diggity (Dog Ziggity Boom)

Hot Diggity (Dog Ziggity Boom) by Perry Como is another one of many 50s songs based on nonsense words and phrases. I mean, just look at this chorus:

Oh! hot diggity, dog ziggity boom, what'cha do to me,
It's so new to me, what'cha do to me,
Hot diggity, dog ziggity boom, what'cha do to me,
When you're holdin' me tight!

It's stupid, though granted basing a song off a nonsense phrase is not inherently a bad thing. But when it comes to songs like this, I always have to ask a few questions. 1) Does it sound good? In this case, definitely not. It's a cheap sounding, borderline novelty song where the main instrument is a chintzy xylophone. Perry Como is a fine singer, but he just sounds bad on this chorus, mainly due to his annoying nasal vocal inflection. The backup singers actually make it sound worse instead of better. 2) Does the phrase fit the song? Debatably yes, but "hot diggity dog ziggity boom" sounds awkward to say, and it isn't integrated into the chorus well. The chorus as a whole has a very awkward melody. I can't imagine trying to sing along or dance to this. This song has aged badly even by the standards of the 50s. Throw this one into the trash bin of history with the other novelty songs.

#6: Patience & Prudence- Tonight You Belong to Me

Patience & Prudence were a sister duo who had a couple hits in the 50s. They were only 14 and 11 years old respectively when they recorded their big hit in 1956, Tonight You Belong to Me, a song originally by Irving Kaufman in 1926. Even compared to other child stars at the time, these girls just flat out sucked at singing. Every note sounds forced, they struggle to hold a melody, and their vocals are very weak and breathy. The instrumentation here literally only consists of two or three repetitive, badly tuned piano lines with almost non-existent bass. It's a very barren song, and it doesn't even reach 2 minutes. The writing is also awful.

I know (I know)

You belong to somebody new

But tonight you belong to me

Although (Although)

We're apart, you're part of my heart

And tonight you belong to me

Who the hell thought it was charming for an 11 year old to sing about infidelity? Out of every song you could've gotten these two to do, it had to be the one about cheating? The 50s were fucking weird.

#5: Gale Storm- Teen Age Prayer

It wouldn't be a 50s worst list without at least one song about pedophilia. This year's offering was Teen Age Prayer by Gale Storm. At first glance, it's just a song about a girl yearning for a guy. Except in this case, said girl is actually an over 30 year old woman. Gale Storm was 33 when she recorded this, that is well past the point when you should be singing songs devoted to teenage love. Like, when you hear lyrics like this...

He wont go steady,
The crowd has told me,
But I keep praying
To have him hold me,
Why wont you listen
To A teenage prayer?

I wait by the window at seven,
And chill when my thrill passes by
His kiss could send me to heaven,
Into his arms I could fly

...sung by a grown woman, I can only think, how old is this guy she's pining after? What does "teenage prayer" mean? Why does it have to be specified this is a "teenage" prayer? There are no good answers to these questions. This song just makes me uncomfortable. Rule of thumb, once you turn 21, it's time to stop singing about loving teenagers ASAP.

#4: Nervous Norvus- Transfusion

It's just not funny. I've said this about a thousand other novelty songs and I'm gonna have to say it again. It's. Not. Funny. Almost every novelty song of the 50s and 60s is a poorly produced mess of bad singing and the cheapest instruments they could find. The joke is always the most barebones, juvenile shit you'd come up with after like 5 seconds of thought. The joke in Transfusion by Nervous Norvus (what the fuck kind of name is that) is that the narrator is a shitty driver who can not stop speeding. Every set of verses goes the same, he's speeding, gets into a car crash, then needs to get a blood transfusion. He promises he'll never speed again, and then he does it again. I repeat, this is the kind of joke you come up with in 5 seconds. It's shallow, never going beyond "well isn't it funny he gets in so many car crashes?" Also some of these lines are strange, to say the least.

Oh man I got the cotton pickin convolutions

Believe me, it doesn't make any more sense in context.

#3: Don Robertson- The Happy Whistler

Sometimes it baffles me what managed to become a hit. The Happy Whistler by Don Robertson is literally just 2 and a half minutes of whistling. There are no lyrics, barely any backing instrumentation, and it's the exact same sequence repeated over and over again. It is one of the most barebones pieces of music I've ever heard. It's one of the few songs where I can truly say they put barely any effort into it. There's really nothing else to say because there's so little to talk about. Why people bought this, I will never understand.

#2: Buchanan & Goodman- The Flying Saucer

The Flying Saucer by Buchanan & Goodman is one of those songs that's so obviously shit from the first second you hear it that it feels pointless to even explain why it sucks. I mean, just listen to this. It's 4 minutes of news reporters talking about an alien invasion interspliced with random snippets of other 50s pop songs. After each snippet, the reporters make some supposedly hilarious remark where they get the artist's and song's name wrong.

This is Drak
Your outer space disc jockey
With a request for earth
(Earth angel, earth angel)
That was The Pelicans outer
Space recording, Earth

Every once in a while you'll hear an "alien" voice speaking (really just a high pitched human voice with bad vocal effects on it), and I guess simply hearing a human voice with effects on it was also supposedly hilarious. I think they were trying to go for a War of the Worlds parody but it hardly comes across like that. I don't know why the aliens are invading or what the hell they're doing on Earth. This song is about as funny as the War of the Worlds hysteria crisis was real. As in, not at all. This is the kind of shit that'd make actual aliens stay the fuck away from us.

Dishonorable Mentions

Pat Boone- I Almost Lost My Mind / I'll Be Home
The Four Lads- Standing on the Corner
Lonnie Donegan- Rock Island Line
Joe Valino- Garden of Eden
The Crew Cuts- Angels in the Sky
Perry Como- Juke Box Baby
Rusty Draper- Are You Satisfied
Eileen Rodgers- Miracle of Love
Lawrence Welk & the Lennon Sisters- Tonight You Belong to Me
The Chordettes- Lay Down Your Arms
Teresa Brewer- Bo Weevil

And the worst hit song of 1956 is...

#1: Pat Boone- Tutti Frutti

Yes, for the third time in a row, the #1 spot goes to Pat Boone. This time for his super infamous cover of Little Richard's Tutti Frutti. And look, I don't think I need to explain myself here, do I? It's self evident that this sucks. Anyone could tell that this sucks. It has a fucking 1.3/5 average score on RateYourMusic. This might just be the single most hated song I've ever come across on a YE list (though granted You're Having My Baby and Mr. Custer give it some competition). But, this list would feel incomplete if I didn't give some justification for this. Obviously it's easy to hate this solely for watering down a black song for a white audience, and yes that is definitely a factor. But there are more problems beyond that. First, the instrumentation sounds like a garbled mess. It has none of the slick energy of the original. And second, as I've said countless times before, Pat Boone is a bad singer. His unpleasant, deep, monotone vocals with no range are especially bad when paired with a song that demands a soulful, energetic performance. In a way, Tutti Frutti was a song that only Little Richard could sing. His raw vocal style was the only one that fit perfectly. When you take that away, you're already going to run into problems, and this specific cover has the worst possible guy they could've chosen to sing this. Fuck this song, and fuck Pat Boone.

And that was the list. This is the furthest back I've ever gone when it comes to pop music. Should I go back even further? I'll decide that one later. Until then, see you all in the next blog.

1956 Year End Top 100: